


Under the Big Top

by lokissoldier



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 11:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/621446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokissoldier/pseuds/lokissoldier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel preforms on the high wire while Dean is the ringmaster. This is the end of their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under the Big Top

**Author's Note:**

> A special thanks to E for helping me out and giving me the courage to post this.

The crowd was alive as Castiel watched Dean take center stage. He was dressed in his usually ringmaster outfit with his red, velvet jacket and large top hat. Dean made the crowd laugh as he introduced the first performer, Castiel’s half-sister, Anna, on the high wire.

As she strode out dressed in her pink dress and painted face, Castiel felt his heart clench. Dean used to make him laugh. He remembered when they first met. Castiel’s family was a troupe in the circus, so he had been born into this kind of life. Dean, on the other hand, ran to it.

_Dean was only maybe nine when he showed up with his younger brother, Sam, at the tent. No questions were asked when he arrived with a black eye and a split lip. When no one came to claim them, Dean just became a part of the troupe._

_The Winchester brothers didn’t talk to anyone at first. It wasn’t until one day when Castiel was performing his solo act “Dance of the Fallen Angel” that Dean said anything. He laughed when Castiel fall from the small balance beam. Castiel wasn’t the most graceful of his family and to this day, he still performed with a safety net beneath him._

_Talking to Dean was easy after that. Dean was always willing to speak his mind even when it wasn’t the most popular opinion. That’s kind of what Castiel liked about Dean. It’s why Dean was ringmaster now. He never held back._

“Next we have Balthazar the fearless and his amazing wild cats!” Dean’s voice announced strongly.

Balthazar, Castiel’s cousin this time, patted Castiel’s shoulder then gave him a wink before joining Dean on center stage. For his act, Balthazar dressed in a safari costume. It was ridiculous, but the audience really seemed to enjoy it.

Castiel tried to remain focused on Balthazar’s performance, but his mind kept wandering to better times, times he spent with Dean. There were many that swam around in his mind like fish wiggling around in a crowded pond. One in particular stood out in his mind, the one where they first kissed.

_They were sixteen, all lanky and angled with nothing to offer the world but spirit and pride. Dean was shoveling out the elephant cages while Castiel watched. Castiel had gotten in trouble once for helping Dean with his duties, so Dean never let him help again._

_It took him a few hours to do it alone, but Castiel didn’t mind the wait. When Dean was done then he was all Castiel’s to do with and talk to as he pleased. No one listened to Castiel like Dean did. They didn’t care that he was afraid. He was an Angel and Angels preformed on the high wire. It didn’t matter what he wanted. That was what was chosen for him._

_“I’ll take you away,” Dean promised this day. He was sweating and smelly from his hard day of work, but he looked sweet as the setting sun highlighted his features. They were sitting only on the back of the truck trailer, but it might as well have been their own world to Castiel. “They won’t force you into this. I promise, Cas.”_

_Castiel leaned forward, pressing a kiss into Dean’s lips. Dean kissed back, but he didn’t speak to Castiel for a whole week after that. When the week was up and Dean got his head together, that’s when they started dating. Castiel wished this part of their relationship could’ve lasted forever._

“Cas,” he heard Dean say to him, “Cas, what the hell?”

Looking up, Castiel saw Dean had come back stage. The shadows of the darkened hallway made Dean look sinister with the brim of his top hat casting a heavy light across his brow. Of course Dean would notice him, would give Castiel one last chance of rejection.

“Hello, Dean,” he said back.

“Don’t give me that. You’re not dressed. You don’t have your make-up on or your wings. Why are you just loitering back here?”

Castiel gazed blankly at Dean. So that was why he was angry. He hadn’t caught on to Castiel’s plan and was here to stop him. It made more sense since Dean wasn’t a mind reader, but he had hoped the pain on his face was easy enough for his former lover to read. Dean had stared at it so much over the past few years that Castiel had led himself to believe Dean could read his emotions like they were bold printed words on a page.

“I only wished to see Balthazar’s act,” he replied. “I will get dressed now.”

Dean opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it as Castiel’s brothers, Michael, Lucifer, and Gabriel, came forward, ready for their trapeze act. He studied Castiel for a moment then the brothers then back to Castiel. Holding his breath, Castiel waited for Dean to speak again, but he didn’t. Instead, Dean shook his head and began talking to Gabriel about he didn’t want any antics up on stage like last night. Again, Dean chose this life over him.

Castiel used this distraction to slip away towards the trailers. He walked into his and sat down at the vanity to put on his black make-up and feathered mask. _One last performance_ , Castiel promised himself. _This would be the final one._

_Castiel had thought his first performance would be his last. His bags were backed, and he was ready to run after he got done with his act. Dean had bought a ring to show how real his promise was and how far he was going to take Castiel away. Where they were going, they could get married and it would be completely legal._

_The crowd was quiet as Castiel climbed the rungs to the high wire for his act. The only person Castiel cared about was Dean who was sitting right in front row staring at Castiel with an awed expression that held all the love in the world. Castiel felt proud to be loved by such a man._

_He couldn’t take his eyes off of him as he began, twisting and flipping like he practiced a hundred times before. Castiel loved how Dean’s eyes were on him and only him. He was focused so much on him that Castiel didn’t notice when his foot slipped until he was already plummeting towards the ground._

_Fear didn’t overtake Castiel as fell. In fact, it was just the opposite. His heart soared as the wind rushed by him like the wings on his back could actually fly. This light feeling came crashing down as the net caught him and reminded him of his feeble existence._

_Dean cancelled their plans to run away after that. He felt the world was a too dangerous place to house such a fragile creature like Castiel. The words stung, but Castiel held onto the promise, onto the ring in hopes that Dean would one day change his mind._

Knocking sounded along with Sam’s voice shouting, “Cas! Hey, Cas!”

“In a minute,” Castiel called back.

Getting to his feet, Castiel saw that he had finished his make-up and was now in his costume with the stupid feathered wings. He had done this so many times that his body could do it even when his mind was away.

Castiel opened the door to his trailer to see Dean’s younger brother, Sam, standing before him. Sam was now taller than Castiel and the leader of the stagehands. He stood there with a sad expression on his face, not overly depressing like he knew Castiel’s plan, but sad enough where it looked like they were about to have a talk.

“What is it?” asked Castiel.

“I just want to talk about Dean.”

Shaking his head, he replied, “I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Dean’s an idiot, but he loves you, okay? I don’t know what got into the two of you, but it has to stop. You’re tearing this whole troupe apart.”

“It won’t be for much longer. After tonight, everything will be better,” he promised sincerely.

“Okay,” Sam said with a smile. “That’s good to hear.”

“Did Dean tell you that we’re taking the net away from my act?” Castiel asked curiously, hoping not to rouse suspicions.

“Dean would never want that.”

Castiel shrugged. “He said I had to push myself harder, or my act would be cut. He said the net didn’t make my act as exciting as my siblings’.”

Sam nodded his head. Dean had said that. He had said it multiple times but never did anything about it. They had all seen the way Dean had begun treating Castiel like he was just a tool. So when Sam nodded his head again and turned to leave, the thought didn’t even seem to cross his mind that Castiel might be lying. Sam just said, “He’ll come around,” before walking away to prepare for Castiel’s act.

Castiel looked over his shoulder to give the home he had known most of his life one last look. Every single inch reminded him of Dean. It nearly killed him to gaze at the bed where they had shared many tender embraces, but he forced himself to because this was good-bye and he needed to remember why he had to do this.

Taking a deep breath, Castiel marched forward. If everything went according to plan, Dean would be too busy introducing the acrobats left stage to notice Castiel taking his place above a net-less ground. He wouldn’t have any time to stop Castiel from climbing up the rungs with a small word of hope, something to give Castiel to cling desperately and trap him even more.

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, everything went as Castiel hoped. Castiel waited, posed for Dean to introduce him and put the spotlight him. He knew this was horrible and that there were children watching, but they had to grow-up sometime. Today was no better than any other.

“Now introducing the beautiful fallen Angel, Castiel!” Dean said, though the cheer didn’t exactly sound in his voice.

As their eyes met, Castiel allowed himself to slip over the side of the wire to make his plummet. Time slowed as he heard Dean shout for someone to get the net up before he hit the ground. It was too late, however. Dean was always too late.

_Yesterday had been their last fight before they officially broke up. They had been spiraling out of control for awhile now with each fight becoming bigger than the last. Everyone knew. Everyone heard. It wasn’t a big secret, maybe that’s why they felt like they could scream at the top of their lungs now._

_“You promised!” Castiel yelled. “You promised!”_

_“People break promises! Grow up, Cas! Life doesn’t work how you want!”_

_That was when Castiel threw the ring at Dean and began walking away. Dean threw it back, hard, knocking Castiel in the head with it. The tears welled up in Castiel’s eyes as he saw it lying in the mud. He let it lie there, making a mental note to pick it up later when Dean couldn’t see._

_“We’re finished,” Castiel said. “If this job is more important to you-”_

_“It is,” Dean snarled._

_“Fine,” he replied. His heart broke, and in that moment, he knew what he had to do._

Castiel’s body hit the ground with a sickening thud and Dean knew. He knew even before he was at the corpse that Castiel was dead. That didn’t stop him from running over to him, though. Dean ignored the screaming and the yelling for someone to call 911. There wasn’t any point because Dean already knew.

Dean dropped to the floor and stared into his lover’s vacant blue eyes. He kissed his cold, dead hands and pleaded, begged for him to wake up. Nothing he did roused Castiel, though, and he stayed as cold and as life as when Dean had first approached.

He shook him hard, determined that he was just trying to get back at Dean for what he said the night before. As he shook him, Dean noticed a leather cord around Castiel’s neck. Pulling on it revealed the ring he had given Castiel all those nights ago.

In his mind, Dean had always seen it tarnished and rusted. Looking at it in his hand now, he could see that it was polished and well loved. Tears fell from his eyes as the ring reminded him of all his promises. It reminded him of a lanky boy who used to watch him work just to keep Dean company. It reminded him of the man who he had promised to take away. It reminded him of his fears and his doubts. It reminded him of how much he hated himself for not being able to protect the one person he cared about. It reminded him how there had always been a net here to catch Castiel when he fell. Most of all, it reminded him of Castiel, the man he promised to love and now would never see again.


End file.
